CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN A CHRISTIAN HOME

CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN A CHRISTIAN HOME

Virtual Bible Study at RGGC Living Spring Tabernacle, Ottawa on 9th August 2023 by Rev. (Mrs.) Mary Oluwatunbi

Bible Texts: James 4:1-3; Proverbs 5:18; 11:29; 18:21; 25:28; Ephesians 4:29; Mark 11:25

INTRODUCTION

Marriage is ordained of God for companionship, love, mutual support, procreation, to signify a life-long commitment, satisfaction of biological desires, and to avoid sin of fornication, to provide security for children, peace and stability of the society (Genesis 1;28; 2;18.; Ecclesiastes 4:9-11; 1 Corinthians 7:2-3).

The Christian home is one where Christ rules-is seen and felt, God is alive and present in the lives of the parents. They have accepted Christ Jesus as their Lord and master and are bearing the fruit of the Holy Spirit and are administered by Biblical principles with the fear of God, founded upon Christian values, a place where family members live their live under the ‘bright shadow’ of the presence of the Son of God. God give us Christian homes. (Psalm 127, Colossians 3:18-25; Joshua 1:8.

Conflict (in the home) is a struggle and a clash of interest, opinion, or even principles. To be at odds (with); to disagree or be incompatible (English Dictionary). It can be between parents, in-laws, siblings, young or adult children. It can be verbal, physical, sexual, financial, or psychological leading to unhealthy and risky behaviours, poor attachment styles. There are information conflicts, interest conflicts, relationship conflicts, values conflicts and structural conflicts. Conflict is inevitable, there is no family/relationship without conflict. It must however be managed biblically with wisdom of God and maturity which is a key to success or failure of the home.

We shall be looking at: (a) causes (b) effects, and (c) solutions to conflicts in a Christian home.

CAUSES OF CONFLICTS IN THE HOME:

‘What is the cause of your conflicts and quarrels with each other? Doesn’t the battle begin inside of you as you fight to have your own way and fulfill your own desires? (James 4:1 TPT).

The carnal nature of man, lust and selfishness. Among the causes of conflicts in the home are:

Finance: how it comes, how it is spent and how it is saved. Spending styles-spendthrift or miser-frugal, always buying on credit. Issues centered around marriage finances, if unresolved can shake the foundation of the most stable marriages. What are your views on saving, tithing and giving? Remember the 10-20-70 rule. Who manages the money, is it joint/separate account or joint financing?  Financial issues are leading causes of divorce. There is a need for prudence and live within a set monthly budget and work on multiple streams of income. Your financial mindset or attitude toward money has a major impact on your long-term financial success. Proverbs 4:7; 21:20; 24:2-4; Genesis 41:34.

Sex and intimacy: It is for physical pleasure, procreation and deepening of relationship with our spouse. It touches our souls on the deepest level and fulfills our longing for connection.  It is an emotional topic and can leave both husband and wife feeling vulnerable and upset. Lack of sexual compatibility in marriage can lead to decreased intimacy, and connection, feelings of resentment and even infidelity (not having enough or being deprived of it, or too much). Withholding sex to punish a spouse breaks marital bond. The misaligned sexual drive, the pleasure, the frequency, the seasons of their marriage (age will affect performance), work stress, household responsibilities, poor body confidence, intimacy inhibitions and lack of honest sexual communications are some serious pressing issues that lead to conflicts in marriage. Keep the spark alive in your marriage, put in the extra effort to have sex (prepare him/her), show up for your partner and vice versa, having a mutually satisfying relationship, it is crucial to the health of your relationship.  Healthy sex in marriage is attainable.1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Hebrew 13:4; Proverbs 5:19.

Family (in-laws, siblings, children, stepchildren): In-law relationship is a key determinant of marital happiness, they can make or mar a marriage and rock the boat of an entire life, they are deemed as being part of every new family formed. Conflicts with in-laws are a common issue. Some due to differences in personalities, perspectives, expectations, culture, religion, values and level of education, generational difference, differences in priorities. Undue interference, abusive, manipulative, disrespectful, criticism, control can cause significant disagreement in in-law relationships. However, the godly ones are a blessing to the family with their support, counsel and guidance e.g., Ruth and Naomi; Jethro and Moses. Have a united front, agree on and establish healthy boundaries and present your spouse well to your family. Avoid arguing or letting your emotions get the better of you. Celebrate them and care for them. You will be an in-law one day. What you sow is what you will reap (Galatians 6:7). It needs patience, understanding, love and cooperation in dealing with them (Exodus 18:14-24; Ruth 4:14-16; Luke 12:53).

Kids: Children are God’s gifts and a loving addition to the family. Conflicting views on parenting styles, number and spacing of children, schooling, discipline of children, childcare (less time with each other), expenditure on the children can be escalation point for some serious marital conflict. (Genesis 18:19; Psalm 127:3-5; Proverbs 22:6,15; 29:15).

Individual differences: (education, world perspective, temperament, upbringing, culture, opinions, background, likes, tastes, beliefs, personality, values etc. very incompatible (Amos 3:3).

Careers: Work is a hot-button issue in many homes, it can create an imbalance if you are not vigilant and set your priorities right. There are busy schedules (deadlines to meet), you need to create work balance, make time out for your spouse and maintain a healthy and fulfilling lifestyle. (Colossians 3:23; Proverbs 22:29, 31:10-12).

Chores: Husbands and wives commonly disagree about household responsibilities (laundry, dishes, cleaning the yard, cooking, shopping, home maintenance, childcare etc.). Some due to belief, upbringing and personality of the spouse. Traditional gender roles influence household duties, one partner should not be stressed up. Let there be teamwork in doing the household chores. Sharing responsibilities around the house. (1Timothy 3:4-5, 5:8; Proverbs 31:27; Titus 2:3-5).

Expectations: unmet and sometimes unreasonable expectations are a major source of conflict in marriage. It ranges from physical fulfillment to household responsibilities. ‘Expectation is the mother of all frustration. But having unmet expectations isn’t just a life problem. It is a life problem. Let your observation take precedence over your expectations. Go with the flow, get realistic, and get your expectations to line up with the truth.  True fulfillment can only come through a relationship with God. Human beings cannot make your life meaningful and happy. It is only God that can satisfy the deepest human need. (Psalm 63:1; Proverbs 24:14).

Nagging: This is constantly harassing or pestering someone to do something; persistently annoying or finding fault with someone(dictionary). Nagging is detrimental to a relationship. Some resort to nagging if they are overworked, unheard, overwhelmed or taken for granted. The nagger may feel unloved and uncared for and the nagged may feel bossed around and consistently picked on. ‘A nagging wife is like water going drip-drip-drip on a rainy day’ (Proverbs 21:9.19; 27:15-25; Philippians 2:14-15).

Trust issues, extra- marital affairs: It can shatter a person, it is betrayal and broken trust. Immorality should not be mentioned among us as children of God. (Hebrews 13:4; Exodus 20:14, Ephesians 5:3).

Poor communication: A lack of communication can lead to blame, relationship anxiety, depression and resentment in marriage. There is lack of one-one time together when you can talk and listen. Healthy communication between partners is the bedrock of any successful relationship. You need to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. (James 1:19; Colossians 4:6) Let your speech always be gracious….

EFFECTS OF CONFLICTS IN THE HOME

The immediate effects of conflicts are starkly clear:

It destroys relationships, hinders progress and prayers. (1 Peter 3:7; James 3:16)

It damages one’s integrity and testimonies. It grants access to the devil to invade the family. It distracts vision and focus, one cannot plan, it disorganizes. (Ephesians 4:27, Matthew 5:13)

It causes distress, anger and anxiety. It can lead to depression, fatigue, health issues, general exhaustion, decreases productivity and satisfaction. (Proverbs 17:14; 20:3)

It affects children negatively, increased aggression, defiance, and behavioural problems as well as low academic performance and impaired concentration, when their parents are frequently at odds. It sends wrong signals to them of what a Christian home/marriage should be. (Proverbs 20:11; 29:15, 17-19).

It can become aggressive leading to physical damage, the destruction of assets, the disruption of social and economic systems, injuries and in sustained scale can lead to death. Some conflicts can be transferred to another generation. (Proverbs 15:18; James 3:14).

You will come out better and improve your relationship with your spouse when you can work things out. You will experience the satisfaction, peace and joy that comes with effective conflict resolution. (James 3:17-18).

RESOLVING CONFLICTS IN A CHRISTIAN HOME

Readiness and willingness to follow Biblical mandate on the home, the headship of the man in the home; principle of love and submissiveness (Ephesians 5:21-31), yield ourselves and our rights, first to God and then to one another. Put off the behaviour of the old man and put on the behaviour of the new man (Ephesians 4:17-32). Build your spirituality, cultivate the fruit of the Spirit and walk by the indwelling Spirit (Galatians 5:16,25). Be committed to solving the conflict or problem you have.

Go to God the Creator, the repairer of the broken walls of our lives-He is the potter, we are the clay. He will make a new lump from the broken pieces. Focus your heart on God. Hang all your pains on the Lord Jesus, He will help you (Psalm 37:3-5; 1 Peter 5:7). Marriage problems need fixing, not ignoring it and try to identify the core issue. It all calls for patience, forgiveness, love, doing away with bitterness. ‘Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:’ (Ephesians 4:31,32).

For the singles, make a right choice of marriage partner and be a right wife/husband material (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). Marry a child of God and your friend whom you love dearly (Numbers 36:6). The foundation matters. Be very prayerful, speak and listen courteously and respectfully. Find the root cause of the conflict and establish a desired outcome. The ability to demonstrate temperance and self-control is a sign of spiritual maturity. Act maturely in listening and speaking. James 1:19 Respectfully honour one another and speak the truth in love. (Proverbs 16:23, Ephesians 4:15).

Manage your emotions, don’t spark up, let it not enter the zone of anger. Stay in the calm zone. A soft answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1.) A hot- tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel. (Proverbs 15:18) No provoking or name-calling, criticism, complaints, accusations, anger, sarcasm.  Don’t let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:27). Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered; it keeps no records of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:5).

Communicate life, not death. How you use your tongue matters. (Proverbs 18;21) Learn how to both clearly communicate and effectively, listen actively; expressing concerns constructively. Avoid character assassination.  A great relationship is built on trust, respect and compromise.

Focus on reconciliation, don’t always insist on your rights, end with a win-win, decide on mutually satisfying solutions.

Fix the problem, not the blame. You don’t threaten to leave the relationship. You must rid yourself of anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. (Colossians 3:8). Those actions will lead to more conflicts. Speak the truth in love when both of you are well-rested and able to focus. (Ephesians 4:15).

Settle your differences privately, work out your differences in Christian love, protect your family privacy. If it persists, seek counsel from godly elderly ones e.g. Your Pastor, head of marriage committee. (Proverbs 11:4, Deuteronomy 29:29).

THE OUTCOME

Wonderful blessings flow from resolving conflicts in an atmosphere of love. These include security, personal growth, which leads to inner peace, increased faith, enhanced character and closer walk with God and focused on inheriting the kingdom of God. ‘How joyous are those who love the Lord and bow low before God, ready to obey him! Your reward will be prosperity, happiness, and well-being...Their descendants will be prosperous and influential... (Psalm 128:4; 112:2 TPT).

Thanks for the opportunity. God bless you always and in all ways!!!